Fake Jan Day

Guidelines for Making Your Fake Jan Day a Pleasant One

by Susan Olsen (aka Cindy Brady)

susanfakejanThe following are guidelines for observing Fake Jan Day in accordance with the rules and regulations of the Fake Jan community. This is a young holiday and still growing. It’s observances are open to revision particularly from Fake Jan herself.

Fake Jan Day is celebrated on January 2. (Jan 2, = the second Jan). The holiday was first declared by Lisa Sutton on January 2, 2008. Cheese balls are the official food of Fake Jan Day. This was decided, again by Lisa Sutton during a Life Day celebration hosted by Yoda Penmark. Fake Jan was in attendance and declared it so as well. Life Day is any day that one chooses to gather friends to view the Star Wars Holiday Special (an appropriate alternative to Brady Bunch Variety Hour on Fake Jan Day as both were penned by the God of Bruce)

Store bought cheese balls are perfectly fine. Amy Sedaris’ Little Smoky Cheese Balls are especially good. Although I’ve never had one, I am faithful that this is so1. For those who wish to show more effort in their praise they may prepare their own cheese balls. The first cheese ball culinary competitions will be held on January 2, 2010. Participants will be judged on taste and presentation. There need not be prizes for what greater gift is there than to show your love for Fake Jan by crafting a cheese ball in her honor?

Attire:
On Fake Jan Day, one must dress as a Jan (or Janet) of their liking. Janet Jackson, and Janet Leigh are good for the ladies. For men, Janet Reno is always an excellent choice and requires little effort. An alternative costume is to dress as your favorite replacement character from any TV Show. The second Darren from Bewitched is an ever popular selection. Also from Bewitched: “Gladys Kravitz”. A less frequently discussed mid-series cast replacement. Actress, Alice Pearce, lost her battle with ovarian cancer during the show’s second season and passed away at age 48. Sandra Gould took her place. Louise Tate (Larry’s wife on Bewitched) was first played by Irene Vernon, later by Kasey Rogers.2

Raul Garcia who replaced Freddy Prinz after his suicide in “Chico and the Man”. The tastelessness of this replacement makes it an especially fun choice. Also tasteless was the replacement of Pete Duel in “Alias Smith and Jones”. Another creative choice is to dress as “Nobody” for that was the replacement for Cindy Williams as “Shirley” in” Laverne and Shirley”. For the final season, the show was still called Laverne and Shirley but there was no Shirley3. “Roseanne” had Fake Becky( who may have been the second best fake in the history of Television because they talked about it). The Munsters: Marilyn Munster was played by two different actresses: Beverley Owen (in the first season) and Pat Priest (in the rest of the series). Nobody noticed.

The Brady Bunch: Obviously there are the other fake Bradys: Jennifer Runyon as Cindy and Leah Ayres as Marcia.
Fake Chris on “The Partridge Family” There are many more choices. One is encouraged to Google throughout the year in anticipation of this holiday.

Additional Costume Idea:
One may recreate Fake Jan’s role of Dorothy in the Crispy Wheats and Raisins commercials. Donning the gingham dress and ruby slippers is ONLY PERMISSIBLE ON MALES. Females do not have this option.They can, however, portray the Lion, Scarecrow and Tin Man. Men may not.

Entertainment:
Naturally, episodes of the Brady Hour are in order and rather essential. However, if unavailable, the “Star Wars Holiday Special” will suffice but only for one year. The following year, BBVH must be procured. In addition, the work of Fake Jan which preceded her canonization, may be viewed. “I Dismember Mama” is now available on DVD. “The Brotherhood Of Satan” may be harder to find but well worth the effort. Of course the evening’s entertainment should be liberally sprinkled with “Crispy Wheats and Raisins” commercials as well as her episodes of “Gunsmoke” and “Apple’s Way”.

Above all, photographs and other documentation of any celebration must be recorded and shared with the Fake Jan community. This may be done through Facebook, Myspace, Myface or Spacebook. Personal web sites, billboards, skywriting, megaphones and tribal drumming are also permissible. Some examples may be selected for use on BradyHour.com

That is all for now. There will be many more rules and regulations in the coming centuries. Please have a safe and sane Fake Jan Day4 and a Happy New year too5.

– Susan

Footnotes:

  1. Amy has YET to friend me on Facebook and I’m saving the 2000th friend position for her.
  2. Due to her participation in the this show and being one of only two surviving cast members, Erin Murphy, will always be excused from needing to be in costume on FJD but her “Fake Marcia” outfit is stunning and should be seen by all.
  3. In order to properly pull off a disguise as “Nobody” one should be willing to wear nothing.
  4. There will be no tolerance for the lactose intolerant. All participants will be required to partake of cheese food. Nut allergies are also to be ignored for what is a Cheeseball without nuts? A sacrilege! Those who suffer from these afflictions (AKA “The afflicted”) must accept this as a sign that God hates them and be willing to suffer for their Jan. (Children are excused from this act of religious cruelty)
  5. Vegans will also be asked to forsake their barbaric practice of being unwilling to consume animal products for this one day.”Just one bite” is the rule that applies to both vegans and “the afflicted”. For those who still refuse to participate, their punishment is at the discretion (and mercy) of the host of the party.